All Things Must Come To An End

I believe this to be my final weekend before I leave school.
Not because the summer vacation would hit early this year, but rather due to the general lack of interest and energy I have for the finishing of the last few projects. The projects in the garage and the many many extra hours of work I will need to go through before graduation does nothing to motivate me at the moment. It just doesn't feel important.

My future is clear. I know what I will do when I grow up and I know how I should strive for the goal of becoming a history teacher. However, at this point in time this path has stalled. I have an appointment with the guidance councillor of our school on Tuesday, which is when we'll discuss what I have that needs to be finished before I can graduate from there and then we will look at the paperwork that's required for me to quit school. I'm not sure what I will do after I get out of the military, but I have two clear options for graduation: go to night school and get a high school degree or come back to vocational. Vocational is easier and perhaps all I need is a break from it all to reclaim my interest to the job. We'll see. Maybe military will claim me, who knows.

So far I've told few in my family about this decision, mainly due to the shock and disappointment that I have to deal with in the aftermath. This decision is a delay at best, not the end of the world. Unfortunately my family isn't always the most patient or supportive of decisions made. Graduation may be close, but everything crashing down on me in the last few months, and not in small part due to double examination being on top of important vocational studies, is too much for me to handle. I don't need a deadline, I need time to do and finish and learn.
I'll probably go around and visit my good brethren to break the news and answer questions face-to-face at some point next week or the week after that. I guess they deserve as much as an explanation as to why I'm doing this.

I will confirm from the guidance councillor that I'm still eligible to take part in the peer support group (since that's a school thing). After that's done with, I'll need to check with the employment office and KELA to shut down my student benefits and go under welfare. It'll certainly be something different, but this and the looming military training will both guide me towards the direction I wish to go.
I'm certain of it.


P.S. A sudden and unexpected surge of 16 views from Norway in the last 24 hours. Welcome to you as well, Kittens, although I sense a hint of boredom behind it :P

Viento de cambio

I first wrote about the topic of politics way back in January. The topics in the news then were the rise of Perussuomalaiset (True Finns) and the crisis of the Euro that seemed it wouldn't die down even with Greece and Ireland being bailed out. My general mood towards politics back then was that I didn't know who to vote for, or if I should in the first place. The feeling of protesting by not voting or voting blank was strongest throughout March. But with the coming of election panels and the release of party policies for the next term, my changed drastically. Like I thought, my mind was divided between Vasemmistoliitto (Left Alliance) and Piraattipuolue (Pirate Party). I chose Vasemmistoliitto, mainly due to the lack of all-rounder policies by the Pirates. As much as I'm for representatives in the parliament voting for their own beliefs and for those who have voted them in, under the current election system it just doesn't work like that. In the parliament elections, the vote goes first and foremost to the party, not to the person in the party.

If the polls are anything to go by, this time next year Finland will have four almost equally strong parties and a number of smaller ones in the parliament. Which of those will get into the cabinet is anybody's guess. However, the fact of the matter is that Perussuomalaiset will have a massive election victory and only because the Finnish people are sick and tired of lying politicians who hide behind party politics to make a difference. EU is blamed for the massive amounts of red tape and bureaucracy that's been introduced to the Finnish system and the immigrants are blamed for the increase in crime statistics. The Finns are sick and tired and they want a wind of change to go through the parliament. Unfortunately, the bunch that's being sent to do the job is an incoherent mess. On one extreme, there are real people who might make a difference, on the other there are borderline nazis and holocaust deniers.

I do hope that the Finnish people will see some sense before they go off in a nationalistic rush to vote for Perussuomalaiset. It would be a better direction than if Kokoomus (National Coalition Party) or Keskusta (Centre Party) remain in cabinet and nothing changes in the Finnish policies, but there are better options. Fortunately for us, even if the Perussuomalaiset get into the cabinet as a majority party, they can't revert the decade of europolitics and perhaps someone less crazy can retake control after the four years.

Jännä on

It's a curious thing; growing up.

I spent yesterday with my two nephews and my youngest (elder) brother. As we were watching Formula 1 with my brother and little Leevi was going about playing and doing whatnot, Joona (the nine year old) was playing Habbo Hotel. I realize I must have sounded exactly like my father when I started talking about how Habbo Hotel was back in 2004, how I used to play a lot of it (Don't judge me, I'm absolutely 100% sure you did it too!) and even went as far as turning into a stereotypical nostalgic asswipe about how they've ruined the place. As he was playing the fancy looking Habbo Hotel, I realized that I have absolutely no understanding of the modern second grader. My brothers are a previous generation from me, so I now understand how lost they must have become at one point or another about me. Especially when I started with the computers and internet, which were never part of their childhoods in that sort of fashion.

Apart from the rush of nostalgia for things six years in the past, I also got a sense of how time has flown by. To me, it's a slow crawl for most of the time, but looking at my nephew I have no real sense of when he became that darned nine-year-old. When did he get so big and how can he stay so darned hyperactive throughout the day? The real shock came when Leevi, the year-old nephew, took me by the hand and started dragging me off to play with him. Joona was almost constantly there through his early childhood, so I got to bond with him real fast and that bond's still close I think. But Leevi utterly surprised me. It was only a while ago that he cowered into his dad's arms for reassurance because he had no idea who I was.

The third part of this realization about the time ticking past was me and my brother playing hockey on the PS2 together. We're just as jovially competitive as always and we always take the cheap shots at each others when we get the chance. It's the fun we've had together since my childhood. I just saw a home video where he was actually taking cheap shots at me trying to blow the candles from the cake on my fourth or fifth birthday. When I got too heavy and big for him to lug around and swing upside down from my feet, then all we have is that brotherly banter. Not that it's any less common with my other brothers, but this one is probably the one who I can joke around with more freely than with the others.

It'd be great to know that bonds like that won't break or deteriorate during the course of whatever that comes up in the future.


P.S. Ms. "Update more frequently", I didn't catch your name and I right now can't bother to ask Helinä for it, this is a special two-for-one day. Just for you :P

I don't dance, capiche?

For nineteen years I managed to hold to that overly butch sentiment where men don't belong on the dancefloor. I have absolutely no idea what the guys continue to slip me in my drinks, but apparently now that has changed. It's a shame and a fortune all in one.

It's a shame because it means I've finally tripped from my course of ignorance towards the dancefloor. The most dancing I've ever done was back in middle school when they taught us waltz in P.E. and that's about it. The twitching in my room to the beat of one track or another does not count. I'm not in front of anyone then and I can feel relaxed while doing it without anyone commenting on it now or ever.

But that brings me to the fortunate side of it. Me boogying down on the dancefloor is a sign of higher self-esteem than I've ever had. Years of being bullied in elementary tore down what charade of confidence I had and forced me into building walls that removed me from the most common types of social contact. I had no need of it because I had myself, the security of familiar places and social circles and I had a long-distance thing - I say thing because I'm not even to this day clear on where we were on the relationship scale at certain points in time during the long seven years when we knew each others - with a certain Norwegian girl. I had what I needed, and what I wanted was too far away to grasp, so I had no real interest in stepping away from that charade of a life. During the last two years though, this has changed entirely. My world has flipped inside out and upside down. She's done with me, the security of those familiar places has become utterly boring and the one person I could trust (which would be me) has let me down.

I have at the age of nineteen come to the crossroads of solitude inside walls I've built to protect myself from life or slipping through the cracks in the wall to see what it's like outside for a change.
"I am what I am, so fuck you if you don't like it"
The confidence and self-esteem to recognize myself as worth something is a great moment for anyone. Anyone who has been bullied knows that feeling of doubt and occasional self-loathing. Getting away from that is an extremely liberating experience.

Haba na haba hujaza kibaba

It all starts with a single thought:

I have an urge to go. Just go.
No detailed plan, no ultimate destination, no life's baggage.
Just go, do, live, experience.

A thought can bring about a lot in a life. On a whim, a person can make a life's decision that turns the world upside down and inside out. Whether one can honour this thought is a different matter entirely.

I haven't had this urge to travel since late 2009. Mainly because afterwards, I have had nothing to travel for. Sure, I've wanted to go on short trips with my legs to carry me around or even on a bicycle, but due to varying reasons I haven't carried them out. But right now, there's an urge to just experience something new. Get out of the rat race of life.

I'm sure this all sounds tedious and boring. Whining about life and wishing to travel. Perhaps the first thing in your mind is that it's a phase everyone goes through. Maybe so, but that doesn't undermine the fact that it's something I feel is important to me right here and now. Putting aside the facts that I can't finance or take leave for a trip, it's still a thought that wraps itself around my brain and pushes itself to develop. It wants to materialize and take me with it to who knows where.

Canada. Canada looks like a nice place this time of year.
What is it with me and Canada anyway? Why would I want to go to a place that is colder than Finland when I could with the same amount of money go anywhere else in the world that would be more interesting, invigorating and exciting. There's just something that draws me to Canada. Maybe it's the shiny red and white flag.
On the same subject, if anyone has about 42,000€ spare cash, I could take it off your hands and finance an education in Trent University over in Ontario, Canada.

Mindset 2.0

So I've been going to this peer support group for the last four weeks. Another meeting tomorrow. Mood group or depression school, whatever you may wish to call it, has been a massive help in getting me back on my feet and to try and get to the rhythm of student life. The most helpful thing is that I need to keep track of my thoughts and moods throughout the weeks and then reflect on them so I can explain the happenings of the week to the group. I can see for myself where I have problems, how I might be able to solve them and get support for the attempt from others in the group.

It's not like I'm a group person or anything. I'm rather shy and my social life is hardly the most active around. But with the group, there's this special bond that connects everyone there and gives out an atmosphere of trust that wouldn't otherwise be there.

Unfortunately, the group isn't a miracle cure for the general lack of energy and the loss of interest I'm suffering towards the car industry right now. In fact, as I write this, I'm sitting at home with the clock striking almost half past eight. That's half an hour from the start of my school day and school week.
I know my education hangs in the balance here and especially my graduation this year, but the mornings do get to me. At least I get my sorry ass to school, even if I am a bit late. And I get stuff done once I'm there. I trust the teachers can see that an take it as improvement to my previous absences, but who can really tell with those guys.

On a different note, went to grandma's yesterday. Surprisingly, spent a good deal of time arguing politics, which has often been a less vocal subject in the group of people that was there.
Should get around to visiting my brother and his expecting wife today, deliver a laptop and who knows - discuss politics? It wouldn't be surprising with the elections coming up so soon.

Anyway, just a quick update to celebrate the 4th of April. Student benefits hit the account today, so that's reason enough to celebrate, isn't it?

Solbriller på

Ton indiffrence ne me touche pas
Je peux trs bien me passer de toi

Fresh like a spring chicken. I'm starting to get that feeling again. That feeling that maybe this life isn't as serious as it seems to sometimes be. I don't know what gives everyone the impression that I perhaps take life even a bit too seriously. Honestly speaking, I don't. The things I take seriously in life are the few good things there are; friends, family and relationships. And if one doesn't take these three seriously, then a good life is forfeit.

The meaning of this blog post wasn't to preach about the meaning of life though.
The meaning was to announce the comeback of Teo. The summer's coming in a very short while and I'm going to break this damn wall around myself before the summer heat gets here. It'll be hot inside if I don't.

Went on a 23 hour cruise on Thrusday. Came back on Friday night, so it seems I didn't die or drop off the side or get left in Stockholm.
Everything's coming up Milhouse! \o/

Have fun. Remember to switch off your lights or the world will explode.

Je ne sais pas

That's the end of those matriculation exams.
Finnish, History, English A-level, Maths - the big four from which I should get rather high marks. that's the hope anyway.

Finnish, two-parter examination. I have the score for the first part and my teacher told me I should get 45 points to cross over that Laudatur threshold. By my average essay score, I should be able to reach that. If I can't, I'm pleased with E. Honestly when I went into this whole thing without hopes for Finnish Laudatur, but holy hell if I get it I'll be a very happy camper.

English A-level. I have no idea about this one. I was hoping for a Laudatur when I went in, but the listening comprehension difficulty level threw me off slightly. The reading comprehension was only moderately challenging. It looks like I might still be hanging to that Laudatur after all.

History. Oh man. I wrote two pages of text per question, which is about the good amount for that kind of questions in general. I spent four pages per joker question, which need slightly more extensive explanation. I have no doubt I answered the questions with as much information as I had about them, but I'm not entirely sure whether or not the board will see it that way. It'll be exciting to the get the initial results. I have no idea what to expect.

Mathematics. Oh dear lord, I was so relieved to see the actual exam paper. The questions were extremely simple. The maximum one could do was ten, the amount of time that one could use was six hour. I spent three hours on the seven questions I knew I could do and get points out of. I'm pretty confident, but at the same time nervous. If the test was easy, it means the score for passing will also be higher this year.

Positive attitude though. It'll go fine.
I think.

Non scholae, sed vitae discimus

East in the Middle (and not much else)

Tunisia, Egypt.
Libya, Iran, China.

I believe everyone is familiar with the aforementioned nations and why they have been in the news in recent months. A sudden surge of democratic movements in North Africa. Commendable, but that's how these people got to be on their seats in the first place. Africa and Middle East have been established on these sorts of revolts and it's just another revolution of a vicious cycle of oppression.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble of optimism, but the problem in these countries runs far deeper than just one government or a head of state. Corruption is high, tribal rivalries and religious intolerance drives several groups into possible conflict and there are always people who will grab power if they see a good time and place to do so.
Tunisia, the hailed starting point of this massive call for democracy, is still in turmoil and the revolt will continue all the way to the new elections. You don't see that in the news anymore, do you?
Egypt, the military is in charge and has begun to beat down protesters if they stray off their designated areas. There was brief mention in the news, but all hail the democracy this temporary military junta will bring!
In Libya, the armed forces are in full combat readiness and resort to bombing cities to keep Gaddafi in power. This is the current headlines, but has started to disappear a bit since it's just not too exciting enough.
Iran, the student protests were crushed immediately.
China, the student protests were crushed immediately and reporters are threatened with deportation if they make news about protests.
Iraqis would be protesting were they not sick and tired in the aftermath of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

The truth is that the world is not a nice place and it's not a fair place. What revolts create, revolts take away. Life goes on even without progress.
It may be historic, it may be amazing. But I doubt it will last. Middle East and Africa are not stable enough to uphold well working democracies.
Ironically, the "democracies" that come out of these revolts will still probably have more fairly elected representatives than the United States Congress or the Finnish Parliament.

Power of the Mind

It's been a while. I'm still alive and kicking, but I haven't been able to put my thoughts down, partly due to my thoughts being all over the place and partly because I couldn't be bothered on my short week of vacation to jot it all down.

I was accepted into a group that convenes weekly around two in the afternoon for two hours per day. It's about studying mental conditions and seeking to better understand it. It's also about controlling the emotions that come up and how to avoid them becoming too powerful. I'm really glad I could get in, since the group is quite small. Apparently someone cancelled at the last moment and I could be squeezed in. I was probably prioritized due to me being on the third year of studies and so on the verge of graduation.

Graduation... that word is an iffy at the moment. The teacher is up to date with my situation and the school counselor is as well, but I still need to find the energy and will of mind to make it to the classes. I had a case of stomach flu for the first three days of this week and I was pretty glad the nurse sent me home because of it. It was a relief not to be forced into the classes with my current state of mind.
Last week was a period of enjoyment. I got to finally relax, but as soon as school started again my mind backtracked to the point of having mood swings all over again. Even right now I have no real will to do anything. I just suddenly was overwhelmed with everything, even when I wasn't doing anything. Right now I'm tired as hell, but I should be preparing for the Finnish essay prelim that's tomorrow.

I spent some time after school with Huila, a classmate of mine from the double examination. We talked for about half an hour today about school and how it just sucks at the moment. These last few months will be hell if it continues like this.
I have plans, I have things set in my mind that need to happen. But it's burning me out right now. I just can't deal with all this shit right now. For the first time I'm seriously considering maybe quitting the vocational and moving to read the full upper secondary degree in night school. But this close to the finish, I just can't. Graduation is three months away, for christ sake. It's shit, but shit one should struggle through.
This last year isn't working out like I wished it would. All I want is for all this to end and the weight of graduation to be lifted off my shoulders.

I watched this documentary yesterday about abnormal mental conditions and how it's mainly through the efforts of the medical industry that people are diagnosed with them. Ordinary changes in mood are diagnosed as bipolarity or schizophrenia even when they are just ordinary mood changes that come to everyone every now and then. It sounds like a conspiracy theory when written out, but I can see the point. You buy shit when you feel like shit, which is the basis of most medicine that effect the brain.
I know I use depression as an excuse, I realize that. I allow myself to be overwhelmed by these emotions and I allow myself to slip up. I'm not perfect, I'm not as good as everyone wants to think. Years of going through the "good little boy" routine just starts to get that taste of sick in my mouth. I don't want to be the "good little boy" and I don't want to be the pride of the family who takes the good bits of Tomas and the good bits of Tero and the good bits of Teppo, only to combine them into some sort of übermensch. I'm the youngest, but I'm not even by far the best out of the four. I want to live my own life and make my own choices and make myself into something I can see as a complete and healthy person.

Right now, I just want to drop everything and travel the world. Go to Russia, go to Canada, go see sites and get away from everything. A backpack, a set of plans without a schedule and a freedom to move wherever I want to.
I know, it's hard to think of me as the travelling and outgoing sort. That's because I'm not. I'm not a survivor or a camper. I'm certainly not a person to travel the wild wastes. But after the trip to Norway, I can see the fascination of backpacking around the world. It's an event in one's life and it gives a whole new perspective to the cushy life of a westerner.
I want to flee, to escape and to put my head in a bush. But I want to do even that on my terms, even when I don't know what my terms are.

Happenings Galore

Thoughts... Yeah, I don't have many at the moment. I pretty much spent all my brain juices in the first Finnish matriculation exam and then the history test. I think the history went quite well but I have no idea about the matriculation. I've been wondering if I could've done something better but I have absolutely nothing I can think of which could be rewritten or improved. I did my best and now I'll just have to wait anxiously for the points. Those should appear somewhere sometime this spring.

... not that this looks anything like spring with -20 Celsius and absolutely freezing cold wind.

The matriculation exam dates:
15.2. A-level English Listening Comprehension
14.3. Finnish Essay
16.3. History
18.3. A-level English Reading Comprehension
23.3. Math
If anyone has sources from which to look up points when they come up, my number is 141. Not that I want you stalking my points, but it tends to happen nonetheless.

My schedule is pretty hectic otherwise as well. The depression I've been going through has now become a matter in which the school doctor is involved in. Of course the solution from her is to pump me up with drugs and thus postpone my military service for two years. Sorry but no. I'll take the risk of turning out Gomer Pyle and just go in this summer.

I don't like the name Lawrence! Only faggots and sailors are called Lawrence. From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
SIR YES SIR!

The lack of motivation and effort is quite limited to only the shop classes anyways. I'll live with it and talk to the psychologist on a regular basis to keep the old noggin clear of gunk. After some talking the doc agreed that maybe the change in scenery that the military provides is exactly what I need as well, so no rush with that medication.

What was I writing about? Right, schedule. I'm getting a blood test 8.40 sharp on Monday, since the doc wants to make sure it's nothing physiological causing this. Then on Tuesday I have the English listening comprehension. Wednesday I'm supposed to have a meeting with the psychologist and I also have to check in with my teacher and the school counselor to make sure on how much I actually still have to go until I'm ready for graduation. By what I heard from the counselor, not much with all the extra stuff I've done over the years as tutor and such. That's a massive relief. Not much longer to go then.
On Thursday - Penkkarit! Woo, finally. (Around twelve o'clock for those who plan to come see us drive on the back of the lorries)
On Sunday evening I'm leaving on a cruise with the class. Silja Europa, Turku-Stockholm-Turku cruise in honour of us being abitur. The next week from that is a holiday week so I can relax and lay back.

Hectic week ahead. Glad I've written those down for myself. Otherwise I'd be lost with all that's happening.

櫻

雨降って地固まる
ame futte ji katamaru

It's odd how Japanese and Chinese traditional music can bring up strong emotions and thoughts. It's not the music itself that brings you to the brink of idealism and self-awareness, but rather the effect it has on you. The smooth tones that massage your eardrums and reverberate throughout your body relax you to the point of having slow movements and heavy eyelids. Times passes softly, quietly and quickly. You become concentrated and the world loses meaning in a way. A magical feeling indeed.

On a side note, I got today my Finnish essay and prelim. Overall I got from them 75 points, which means I'm a couple of points over the point limit for E (=eximia cum laude approbatur) which is the second highest score attainable in the matriculation exams. According to the teacher, I just need to pay close attention to using further examples from the source text and also have to pay attention to the questions so I'll fulfil them the best I can and not sideline anything. In any case, it's looking good. The first Finnish test is next Friday. Not excited or nervous, we'll see about that again when Thursday comes knocking.

花鳥風月
Kachou Fuugetsu

Home Taping Is Killing Music

If nature has made any one thing less susceptible than all others of exclusive property, it is the action of the thinking power called an idea, which an individual may exclusively possess as long as he keeps it to himself; but the moment it is divulged, it forces itself into the possession of everyone, and the receiver cannot dispossess himself of it. Its peculiar character, too, is that no one possesses the less, because every other possesses the whole of it. He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. That ideas should freely spread from one to another over the globe, for the moral and mutual instruction of man, and improvement of his condition, seems to have been peculiarly and benevolently designed by nature, when she made them, like fire, expansible over all space, without lessening their density in any point, and like the air in which we breathe, move, and have our physical being, incapable of confinement or exclusive appropriation. Inventions then cannot, in nature, be a subject of property.

- Thomas Jefferson


The progress of international conglomerates and corporations to block and curb the spread of everything from music to games to artwork still rampages across the globe. Not only that, but the entire concept of freedom is under threat. Not by conglomerates or corporations perhaps, but the united power of such, from which blossoms the hideous flower of ACTA.
The Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement is not just a special lobbyist group or a loose band of special interest groups to try and lessen the impact of piracy on the shareholders' profits. It is much more than that. The Deliberative Draft of ACTA is by no means some angelic choir that protects the rights of artists or developers. It is a gathering of copyright owners and lawyers who seek to breach the freedom and security of regular people under the guise of the good guys.

ACTA seeks to bypass national laws and international agreements by using the copyright ace card. It's not worrying that it exists, it's worrying that politicians are actually going for it. The full exposure of any possible copyright infringements revealed to copyright holders will only give massive amounts of useless information to corporations who... well, what would they do with such information?
The EU political system has very much already approved the ACTA. It's been done in full silence without the knowledge of the citizens of EU member nations, without even mention in any of the respectable large news outlets. Such a shame.
The ACTA has been challenged by a number of European law professors who state that the treaty is not compatible with EU laws and statutes. Neverminding such frivolous little facts as national integrity, it is still pushed through.

The entire concept of working in the name of freedom and transparency and keeping all negotiations secret is ludicrous. An agreement made in secret and kept as secret will not strengthen the judicial standing of anyone but those who have signed ACTA.

The world is looking more and more like System Shock.
This worries me.

A very good source of information on ACTA and the progress of it's quest for infringement of personal rights and liberties.

Dum spiro spero

One prelim down, two more to go. Finnish prelim got done today and went pretty well too. Not exactly the hardest exam ever in Finnish. If the actual matriculation exam goes that smoothly, I may actually have a chance of passing with "flying colours", as they say. Results will turn up sooner or later, but I have a good feeling about it.

Aside from such idle school matters, it seems I'm a bit on the recovering side as far as my mood is concerned. I finally got something done, as I drew a little bit of something just the other day. It's not a great piece of art, but it's something. And that's better than the nothing I've been able to do for almost a year now.

I'm trying to figure out the new visitors to this blog. 30 views from Finland, 29 from USA, 2 from Sweden, 1 from Canada and 1 from the UK. People are coming out of the woodworks for this, it seems. Not bad having an average of 5,25 views per day.

TAIstep

Harvinainen suomenkielinen päivitys! Ooo! Uuu! Jännää!

Koulun nettisivuilla on tällä hetkellä meitsin pärstä. Ja vielä harvinaisen omahyväisen näköisenä.
Vietin tiistai-iltaa TAIstep tapahtumassa Kellonsoittajan kadulla sijaitsevassa Turun Ammatti-Instituutin koulutalossa, eli siis kauppiksessa. Mut värvättiin sinne selittämään kahden tutkinnon opintojärjestelyistä ja mukana oli muutama muukin oppilas. Noin puoli tuntia kestänyt tilaisuus auditoriosta oli meidän osalta aika hiljainen kun kukaan ei taaskaan saanut niitä kysymyksiä aikaiseksi.

Eikä siinä mitään, ihan hyvä niin. Peltolan koulutalon opo, joka oli paikalla kuuntelemassa ja seuraamassa, alkoi meidän osuuden jälkeen inttämään mun kanssa siitä millä todistuksella tulen hakemaan yliopistoon jatko-opintoihin.
Pisteytyksen takia haen ammatillisella enkä ylioppilastodistuksella. Opo ei ole ajan tasalla Yliopistohaun kanssa, mutta miksi olisi kun tunnun olevan ainut koko koulutalossa joka Yliopistoon päin meinaa lähteä.

Joka tapauksessa, linkkiä TAI:n sivuilla olevaan uutispätkään: (Pitäkää hauskaa)
http://www.turkuai.fi/public/default.aspx?contentid=235771&nodeid=10234

1-UP

Right, so. A little update on my life. I went and got myself an appointment with the school psychiatrist. According to the school nurse, who usually handles the giving out of these times and the assessment of students, I have clear symptoms of depression. After some of the things I told her, she said my depression was probably one born out of an emotional reaction to stuff that's been happening in my life recently.

But yeah, I'm tired all the time, I can't be arsed to do stuff I should and I'm feeling really slow. No problems sleeping or waking up, no problem staying with the program in the double examination. Vocational is the one suffering most, mainly because I just can't be bothered. It's like trying to move your foot over that doorstep, but you just fumble off and give up. I'm worried this might cause me to not finish the vocational portion on time, but even that possibility doesn't scare me to move my ass and do the stuff I need to do.

I have an appointment with the shrink next Monday, 9AM. Hopefully that'll help.
Well, that's about as much as I can get out. Need to leave for history class very soon too. New subject soon-ish maybe.

Deus ex machina

A couple of days have passed since my last entry. Mainly due to having been slightly more busy than usual setting up a forum as a co-admin. As promised, here follows an insight to my views on God(s) and the followers of such.

I was not brought up in a family of many religious views. Religion for me was always something that came up in bedside stories, fables, preschool and then elementary school. It was always there, but it was never talked about. I think my eldest brother was the first one I remember to talk about other beliefs. At the time it was present as healing crystals and chakras and chi, what now would be called "alternative medicine", but which I later found out to be heavily based on Hinduism. My second eldest later got me more interested in the concepts of Taoism and Buddhism but mainly on the philosophical side of them. To some extent, I believed in inner forces for a long time. Longer than I ever had believed in a mysterious bearded chap looming over me in the clouds, looking after me on this road of perils that is life.

It was actually from the 7th grade onwards that I started to see the futility of the Evangelical Lutheran Church. I had dropped any beliefs in a God long before that, but it was then that I began to seriously reconsider the organization that is the church. I for some time practised a more Taoist way of life, then got a craze for Norse paganism (around this time I was being heavily drawn into metal music and my research into what they were singing about peaked my interest) and finally a couple of years ago just finally decided that none of the religions was right for me, my lifestyle or my moral compass. I deemed myself atheist (NOTE: Not agnostic) and held strong to my belief that there was no God or Gods that had created the universe or even life for that matter.

I'm now nineteen. I've had complete control of my life for over a year now and that has also brought about some rethinking of my values. Not because I would doubt myself, but rather because I doubt the meaning of the categories I had set myself in. Simple atheism was not what I was about and it conflicted strongly with my political views over the freedom of individuality and beliefs. I am still an atheist but not to the same extent I was prior. My views these days are closer to anti-theism or even closer to antireligion.

The modern world is in a religious turmoil. Not because of the beliefs, the beliefs consolidate each others and the true believers of any one faith could never become violent rampaging crusaders for their own beliefs. It's not the person who throws the rock, but the man in a silly hat standing upon the balcony of his glamorous palace preaching for the throwing of the rock. The ridiculous amounts of dogma surrounding each and every organized religion is mind-boggling. Over the course of the last few thousand years, even the oldest religions have been thrown off their path of tolerance and faithfulness. Were Jesus alive this day, he would cry for what mankind had done to his beautiful vision of a new rising of Judaism.

Any religious leader who incites violence under the banner of his God is no better than any dictator doing so in the search of lebensraum.
Any believer who truly goes by the core tenets of his God(s) or prophet(s) will not stray from his/her path. Any believer will know not to judge others by their views any more than they would like to be judged for theirs.
Any true believer would not need a person to come between the believer and his God(s). Especially if this person acting as the middle-man of a God is naught but a heretic and a puppet to an old man in a silly hat.

Insouciant

So far this blog is proving a major hit. Not perhaps on the viewer level, but it's proving an excellent outlet for everything that's pent up in me.
46% Linux users, 57% Windows. 85% Firefox, 14% Chrome. So far the traffic comes from the US (tsk tsk fellers, I can see you) and Finland.
Oddly, the only comments that have so far been given is that the opening entry was on the rather gloomy/macabre side and that I'm writing English better than is expected of me. I take those as compliments. Cheers bros.

Aside from the fact that I'm writing these entries like mad, I also visited the University of Turku on Tuesday. Sat through the lectures about the humanist, educational and social sciences faculties. If I am indeed graduating in time from the Turku Vocational Institute, I now know several majors I might choose from for a Bachelor's. I may be jumping a bit ahead of myself, but who the hell cares. I'm sorta-kinda moving towards a direction in my life that I might actually enjoy.

The options are history, cultural history or political history. See a pattern? Good, because there is one. Yes, with any luck in four to five years from now I'll be ready to get my hands into teaching young rascals some history. Seems like such a great idea in itself, but first I need to get out of this vocational school with some papers proving my graduation.

I was actually just thinking about sending an e-mail to the school shrink. Maybe see if I can make an appointment and talk stuff through with him. See if I can get any of that motivation back. I doubt it though. I just want out. I'm more than fed up.

It's amusing how I was recruited into speaking about the double examination program (going through vocational and upper secondary at the same time) by my Finnish teacher. I'm supposed to go to the TAIstep event next Tuesday with one other guy and assure everyone everything will be great if they choose the same "hardships" we did.
It still hasn't gotten hard or particularly exhausting to tackle the two educations at the same time. The only problem is motivation and interest towards the vocational portion.

That reminds me. I need to finish my Finnish essay for tomorrow. Oh well. Better get cracking.

Also worthy of noting, I've had the phrase "Dum spiro spero" turning abouts in my head for the entire day. Omen? Methinks not. I'll get around to scrutinizing religion and beliefs I hold silly in my next entry.

On The Roll Again

First of all, a slight correction notice to my very first blog post. It was indeed not last December when I was in Norway. It was in fact the December of 2009.

And now for something completely different.

Methinks it's time to form some opinion on music now. Just to lay foundation of bashing modern consumerist popular culture.

Hello, hello baby you called?
I can't hear a thing
I have got no service
In the club, you see, see
Wha-Wha-What did you say,
Oh, you're breaking up on me
Sorry, I cannot hear you
I'm kinda busy.

What the hell happened in the 1990's? Did all good lyricists suddenly drop dead, or was it in fact the corporate tools who thought they could hammer out the same thing over and over again in the seeking of larger cash flows?

Where is the use of music to convey thoughts and emotions? For me the sudden downspiral in music quality came when Genie In A Bottle came out. I remember those days vividly. Tomas always had the radio on, or so it seemed at the time anyway, and from that come some of the earliest childhood memories I have and my general fondness for 90's music. The arrival of Genie In A Bottle on the airwaves is the one thing I remember that made it all go sour all of a sudden. The turn of the 21st century brought American rap and pop culture into Finland in one fell swoop and everything made prior to that was the nostalgic.

It took me some time to get out of still listening to the greats of the 90s and the 80s. In fact, I believe I was in the 7th grade when I first got my hands on some heavy metal. It shifted my whole life around. I moved away from the filth spewing out of NRJ and moved to downloading Iron Maiden, Metallica and other such pioneers of the metal genre. Now that I think about it, I've never looked back from my path either. I took in the scene so hard that my friends started calling me raggare because of the clothes and mannerisms I showed. I wore heavy rings, leather jackets, jeans and sunglasses. I stuck with early metal for two years before I started taking in the more hardcore stuff.

On the 10th grade (an extra year of primary school for those who want to recap before secondary education or more for those who couldn't get in due to grades being sub-par) I formed close friendships with two guys I found some of the most awesome personalities ever.

Tuomas was a metalhead from head to toe who listened to the most hardcore metal I had ever heard and was a pagan to the core. He introduced me to a lot of the lesser known genres of metal that I still listen to a lot. Cheers to him for opening my eyes wider.

The other guy was Marko. Rastafari without the hairdo. He used pot, we all knew that even though he never said it himself, but more importantly he listened to a lot of reggae. I had listened to some reggae (mainly Bob Marley) at this point, but had never really started exploring all one could find in the genre. He opened my eyes even wider to the other genres of music I was missing out on. Without him I might still be stuck going back and forth between heavy metal and Weird 'Al' Yankovic.

For the last five years I've been a metalhead. For the last two years I've been a metalhead who can appreciate other forms of music as well.

I actually dropped the use of jewellery early 2010 and tried to update my look a bit, even though I still sported leather jackets. Only in the last six months have I come to show a bit more young adult look. In a way it's right on schedule. However, that's all beside the point.

What I'm going at is that no matter how many genres I listen to, whether they are hardcore metal bands formed in 2004 in Sweden or American pop groups from the 80s, they all have some sort of message in their tracks. They all have something valid and true in their music. This is something that the recent megastars, who brand themselves and expand into conglomerates, do not have. It's about clubbing or drinking or sex. Those things may be excellent experiences, depending a bit on the person in question of course, but what do they really convey to the people who listen to the songs?

Run, Run, Run, Run
Everybody move run
Lemme see you move and
Rock it til the grooves done
Shake it til the moon becomes the sun (Sun)
Everybody in the club give me a run (Run)
If you ready to move say it (Yeah Yeah)
One time for your mind say it (Yeah Yeah)
Well I'm ready for ya
Come let me show ya
You want to groove Im'a show you how to move
Come come

I reject the notion I'm sounding like one of those old farts who thinks everything the "modern youth" are doing is wrong. I'm far from that. I just happen to enjoy anything that actually conveys something to those who listen to it. What the modern music market is full of is just an extension of the corruption in the current social norms. It may be fact that your target audience is going clubbing to drink and have casual sex, but that doesn't mean you should do music just so you can put a beat in a dark room and have cash every time someone rocks their booty to it. The most successful artists and tracks are always those that have some sort of personal attachment. Even the greatest of beats can turn annoying really fast if there's not anything to balance it out.

Now, there will be people who think I'm a nutter gone mad with years of listening to the devil-worshipper music. Perhaps I am, if that is your opinion. Or perhaps I see things for what they are instead of assuming deeper spiritual meaning?

I am my own God
Master slave and I will be beyond the grave
No one will take my soul away
I carry my own will and make my day

I am my own God
See the truth beyond
Through endless lies thy kingdom come
Glorified wisdom illumination tool
Self deceit it's the golden rule

Live your life you're gonna die your own death
There's no one above that's gonna take your breath

I dip my forefinger in the watery blood
Of your impotent redeemer
And write over his thorn torn brow
The true Prince of Evil

What man's created
Man can destroy
Bring to light
That day of joy

The song directly above is Left Hand Path by a hardcore metal band called Entombed.

Does it convey to you the message of the Devil? Or can you see the actual meaning?

The lyrics at the very top are from Telephone by Lady Gaga

The second lyrics quoted are from Pon De Replay by Rihanna.

Politics

The elections are coming up fast. I'll be getting the chance to make a difference for the first time in my life by entering the voting booth and scribbling something on a piece of paper. It's an oddly unnerving feeling - not because of the make a difference crap, but because there isn't really anyone to vote for.

As long as I have been around and heard about politics, there has always been someone who I could have voted for had I been of age. But as time has gone by, I've time and time again come to the conclusion that these politicians just aren't worth it. I ruled out Keskusta and Kokoomus right off the bat, since I've been leaning left for a long time, and the small parties are usually special interest groups that have managed to wriggle themselves through the parliament doors. SDP may be the largest "socialist" party but it just is not worth it, since they are in some ways more right-leaning than the right wing. The success story, that is Perussuomalaiset, has started to grow closer to the big three as far as actual agendas go, criticizing big parties at every turn while announcing policies that could hardly be seen as profitable towards the general public. They will get the unsure and disappointed voters by pure populism, hiding their true colours behind the smoke and mirrors.

I've been really thinking about this for a couple of months now, following the viable parties much closer than I usually would. I've narrowed it down to two possibilities; Piraattipuolue or Vasemmistoliitto. They're both good choices, the first looking out for my interests as an avid internet and computer user, the latter on the other hand would look out for my interests as a student and young adult. Vasemmistoliitto really is the only political party in Finland at the moment that is on the left. I can't see the Pirates achieving their goal of entering the parliament this time around either, so it would be in my best interest to support a party that's already there, right?

All in all, Paavo Arhinmäki has done a great job in moving the left back to the left with Vasemmistoliitto. If he gets his ranks together and they look competitive, it might just be that they will be getting my vote next election. Sure they won't probably get into the government, but it would still be a much more worthy cause than a party that probably won't even get a seat in the parliament in the first place.